Dec 6, 2004

Get gas,
Get going!

在你最疑惑的地方，右转。

Pleasing activities

I have a habit to please others, even if I have to do something I don't like. This behavior began when I was a teenager and wanted to make my parents happy. Then the consumer group enlarged. First friends around me, then all the people I like and then everyone who by chance have to live in the same space with me. I thought I'd be happy because the surroundings are in peace and happiness too, but lately I found it's very dangerous to please someone I really like. There must be one day that he or she cry out with tears:"You are a good liar!"

In a way, it is true, because I chose to hide my unpleasant feelings and act in a certain way to make them happy. It can't last long. And for the people I really like, we need to be more candid and have more communications since it's a mutual thing.

Today's lesson: Never please anyone I really like. The fact that I'm liking them is enough for a sweet day. If I really have to please someone for practical reasons, that is another case, and that's probably what I wouldn't do.

End.

I never had a dream come true

Now I no longer have a dream...
Does that mean I have grown up?
Why is it so sad to be a responsible adult?

A horrible dream

Last night, I dreamed of my dad. He said to me: "I don't want to live anymore." and then jumped off the window without me even having time to react. When I saw his back and white shirt floating in the air, I was so desperate and began to scream "No!!!!!!!!!!!". Strangely, no voice came out of my mouth and I just watched him fall. I couldn't exactly describe how I felt at that moment but it hurt a lot! The only thing I could think was that how could he do this to me, at least he should've given me some last words. So, that's it? that's so much for his life?

Immediately after that, I woke up. It was a cold day, and my wardrobe loosened, but still I felt as if my whole body was experiencing a fever, at least for a few minutes. Then I thought about the dream again. Why so much agony when I saw my dad quit his life? Why life is so cherishable? Why there are so many moments in life I feel desperately hopeless and don't want to live on, but somehow at critical points, life is the last thing I would give up? I still cannot answer these questions. Life is still on.

Bits and Pieces

It's hard to be a healthy poor, more so in the US.

Why I started a blog?

I thought for quite a while for a reason, and today I suddenly grabbed something slipping through my mind: my heart would rather stop beating than being alone. That's the reason.

Oct 12, 2004

Open date.