Melancholy and Nostalgia are walking side by side.

Well, they seem to get along..

I'm planning a trip home this Christmas, hoping it will heal, and if not, pamper me, somehow. This will be the first Christmas I won't be alone in town for the last 3 years.

I guess I'm still pretty sad and feel myself such a failure. Friends feel sorry for me and one of them cooked dinner for me tonight. It was pasta with mushrooms and asparagus. We were then trying to figure out words written on the back of a bunch of Venice California postcards he recently collected. Some of them are more than a hundred years old. Those were cards that kids wrote to mothers, husbands wrote to wives, cousins wrote to cousins, and a couple of them were more like the sender asking for a date. What is really crazy is that on many cards, there's just name, town, and state. No zip code, no street, let alone street number. And yet those cards still got delivered. We wondered if there was only one post office in one town and that person had to go to downtown to get all her mail. We then wondered how the person my friend bought from collected these cards. I would always save the postcards I received and so would he. So we guessed it must be that those people who used to own those cards already died. At one moment I was thinking.. how I wished B was there sharing the moment with us, with me, and enjoying the beautiful pictures of Venice. He likes history. Then I had to remind myself about the reality.

How time flies. 2008 is almost ending. Here I'm relearning how to find happiness that comes from within.

Pros and Cons of wisdom teeth removal

A week after my wisdom teeth removal, I was having lunch with B.

me: The wisdom teeth removal really got me thinking for the past week. Now I have a list of pros and cons. Do you want to hear about them?

B: Um... why don't you just tell me about the net benefits, you know, pros minus cons?

me: Well... to cheer myself up, I have only actually just concentrated on the pros part...

:)

Alright here it goes (and only the pros!):

1. Free food suddenly loses attrativeness. (This used to be the easiest way to enslave me.)
2. People like me better when I can't speak. At least they liked me better on the day of surgery when I couldn't speak. It was unfortunately kind of temporary...
3. For the first time I learned to eat slowly and gracefully. Now I manage to eat less and digest better.
4. I know approximately what I'll look like if I gained 20, 15, and 10 pounds, face-wise. (I have data from the second, third, and fourth day after the surgery, when I looked like a chipmunk with lots of nuts, some nuts, and a few of nuts stuffed in the mouth, respectively.)
5. Self-pity is somehow more justified than other times.
6. A great excuse not to go to the gym.

I can go on and on but I guess I'll stop here.

The Amish Market (& its focaccia)

If you live in Midtown East in NYC, you probably have heard about or already developed an attachment to the Amish Market on the 45th St, between the 2nd and the 3rd Ave. I like their bread, chocolate collection, and fresh produce in general but by all means avoid their canned granola, despite the fact that there are many choices and they all look great. The one I bought today after work, Terranut Crunch, with coconut chips and Brazil nuts, was not even a little on the crunchy side. Right, it was almost... stale. My molars were not happy when I was chewing some. It's probably just a packaging problem, but that's still a problem.

However, do go try their focaccia with herbs and other stuff on top. I like those eggplant ones. And there are some focaccias generously topped with sliced olives too.

I wanted to take a picture of the one I bought, but I ate it all too quickly.

wrinkles galore

Because of the New York internship, I need to start ironing my clothes for the first time in my life! And, of course, no more flip flops in the office. I guess this very fact will be the thing I miss most in South California.

Anyways, I thought I needed to put myself to practice, and I was ironing for 2 hours today while watching Lady in the Water. It's interesting that I've never looked at my shirts and pants like this before. It was just natual to put them on without any pre-treatment or a single thought, but now I only see wrinkles, wrinkles, and wrinkles. Where the hell are they coming from and why there are so many of them! I need a wife..

Days just drag by

Guess I'm out of practice now I don't know what to write.

But well.. Bought my one-way ticket for the fall internship in New York city. In about 2 weeks, I'll be flying out. It'll be only 2 months but seems highly likely I'm going to live in at least 4 different places, some crashing included. The New York housing market is the worst I have seen. Everything is going crazy. A decent studio in midtown or some other nice neighborhoods costs about 2,000-3,000 a month, and a one-bedroom definitely more than 3,000. Of course I can't afford that. I asked friends for help. And I got in touch with their friends, and their friends' friends, and so on. It's somewhat a depressing process. It's good to get to know more people, and some of them could potentially be friends. But most of them pointed me to Craigslist which I hadn't had much luck with. At one point, I was thinking, maybe by the time I get to NYC, I might arleady know half its population, and still can't find a place to live!

Things started better from about 2 weeks ago though. Nothing is finalized yet, but seems it'd be difficult for me to be homeless for the entire length of stay. A friend's friend's friend's friend (no kidding!) offered me to stay with her for the first week for free. And I might be able to take care of a woman's cats for the second month and live in her lovely apartment by paying only a fraciton of the rent. But the most part of the first month is still a puzzle unsolved. It's also a much more critical time because it is when my parents are coming to visit and stay with me. I always feel that things work this way, that, I might be very lucky enough to get a cat-sitting job, but it will never be the time I exactly like it to be happening. But of course, if everything happens exactly the way I want them to be, I'd be very scared too. That'd be too artificial, like a plot.

Anyways, other than spending tons of time on housing search, I also ended stopped dating a guy whom I was seeing occasionally. I didn't feel right to keep him there while I'd be gone for 2 months in New York. So I told him, hey, for your own good we should stop seeing each other, before we both get too serious in this. He, as a non-Chinese, didn't understand why I was thinking for him, and hated that I made a decision on his behalf. So it's not necessarily happy. The night we broke up, I was distracted by my own cruelty and forgot to change shoes when I was hitting the gym later. I didn't go back but instead went running in my flip flops. It wasn't too bad because I did it on an elliptical machine. Only a couple blisters.

As to friends, I got to know a few new people throughout the summer. They are all interesting, but I realized two things: (1) the older you get the harder it is to find a good friend - we just become pickier and less tolerant, and maybe, a little more cruel too? (2) I seriously need to make more female friends. Facts are they stay friends with you longer, even after they get committed to a relationship.

Work-wise, OK.

Dissertation-wise, I'm making modest progress, but so far so good.

large-scale eutrophication is happening in my country

Do those dragons and water fairies living in the lakes need to move abroad? There's really not much people can do right now. And I feel quite helpless.

For all the things in nature, I like the lakes most.

Not very fond of a busy life style

because it's so tempting then to just fill up life (my friends' and mine) with empty promises and hollow offers, which usually suck a fat one, because if we are not careful we might actually believe in them...

& it's not worth it if we don't know what we are being busy for!

again, it proves my original point that we might all be better off if we were living in 2000 years ago. We would not know anyone outside our village, but we'd walk to wherever we want to, and the river'd be clean, and the meadow'd be green.

I'm SUPER happy today!

It doesn't happen that often, so I have to write it down. Hah!

I'm afraid

that I will become a bad girl, someone I myself would not recognize..

Today, yet another stranger gave me his number, and asked "this beautiful girl" to call (I NEVER call, though). I know I'm not "beautiful", and I know most men who say that just fool around. And I truly hate any man who would say "you are beautiful!" when we only just made eye contact out of politeness. They don't know what they are talking about. And I know this only happens when a girl is young. This is NOT what I want. But those are dangerous temptations... And sometimes I feel it is so much easier to deal with them because what they want is shallow and they come and go easily.

I don't understand that why I always tend to run away from what's good and authentic, and what I truly like and care for, and why I always don't feel that I'm good enough, and that I deserve something good in return.

Recently I read a man's childhood story. He was also being bullied and neglected when he was little. And he said, even after his environment changed afterwards, and he started to learn how to trust other people, he pushed away all the true friendships offered in the beginning, because he just couldn't deal with it. But eventually he learned.. that he's worth protecting, and anyone is worth protecting, and we should not "let those bastards do things like that to anyone." He grew up to be someone dedicated to eliminate violence in elmentary and middle schools, and to support talented students. I was really touched, and I felt that we came from the same planet. But, seriously, I don't know how much and how long it takes me to be brave and confident enough to pursue what I really like in life, AND NOT TO PICK THE EASY JUST BECAUSE IT'S CONVENIENT.

I just feel helpless sometimes. Hopefully it'd be transient.

Love the lines from Rocco Deluca & the Burden

Gift

...
Don't wanna waste your time
Or take what isn't mine
Don't fix me cuz i'm broken
I was that way from the start
...

The rhythms are not that great, but I love the lines. :)

indiminishable vs. nontrivial

I was writing this paper (forever), and had been trying to find a word that means "cannot be trivialized". I asked both the linguist Mary Ann and another American friend, they thought hard, and gave suggestions, but I was being unreasonably choosy and decided they were not what I wanted. Then as Mary Ann suggested, I went to reference.com, searched a couple words, and finally found "indiminishable", which was exactly what I was thinking about! However, it's hard to not notice that only one dictionary has an entry for the word, which is the Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary. I was kind of concerned that since this was the case, quite possibly people would not understand/recognize the word at all.

Later that night I told Mary Ann all about this and she laughed: "We need you foreigners! You use words from the dictonary; we don't use most of them."

Ah, well, I laughed with her, but, in the end, I chose not to use indiminishable as to describe a "cannot be trivialized" situation, for which, I was afraid the word was too sophisticated for. "Nontrivial" instead became my final choice, and Google Scholar is my mute supporter.

Hits returned for "indiminishable": 6
Hits returned for "nontrivial": 298,000

Quotes I like recently.

"My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened."-Michel de Montaigne (1533-92)

"Come to the edge, he said, They said: We are afraid Come to the edge, he said. They came, He pushed them, and they flew." -Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)

I'm sorry, Peanut.

I had no idea that you were sent to the hospital on my birthday. And I was a little mad that you didn't call. I should've called you instead. You see, low maintenance is not always good, no matter how solid our friendship is. Recover soon, and lend me your mojo. I'm sifting. I'm drifting. I need your opinion (, but I won't buy your theory). Recover soon, Peanut.

Mary Poppins & Daddy Long Legs!

Last night I found out Mary Ann didn't read Mary Poppins when she was little. How could she miss that?!

Basically, how could you go through your childhood without reading Mary Poppins? I'm not saying it's too late now, but still...

And Daddy Long Legs too. If you didn't read Daddy Long Legs, how would you know the merit of keeping writing even when the person you are writing to never replies?

My next entry would be: "The Art of Not Writing Back & The Forgiveness Story #1". :)

Ready to be 27.

"Life has never been this good" should be a fair one-sentence summary for my 26th year. I'm so proud that I actually did several things that I never thought I could:

*I learned how important and how easy it is to be happy, and how little it actually takes (that is, I suppose, the willingness) to help bring out the happiness of people you care about and care for. I learned it the most scary way, but it also gave me the greatest effect. So I have nothing to complain about. :) Want to ask me how happy I am now? An example: there's once I went to a store to buy some car wash product. As I was looking around, a stranger came up and said, "Are you an artist? You look so happy..." As I am pretty sure that I didn't look like a drug addict in any possible way (to disclose a little more, I'm a "pot virgin", a title Arnab gave), I took it as the greatest compliment I've had from a stranger last year.

*I learned how fun it is to try new things, esp. those that when I told my parents I'm going to do and they would be screaming "No!!!!!" I must be a bad kid -- whenever I override my parent's no's, I feel VERY great. Now it has become a rule of thumb that something'll be really fun if they object to it. I went sailing, skiing, kayaking... and received pure happiness from it. I understand they want me to be safe and live a long life, but what is the meaning to it if it only comes with boredom? Good that my parents are also quite adaptive, and are getting used to me being adventurous (though I don't think anything I've done so far should be counted as adventurous at all).

*I learned to wish the best for people who had hurt me. This is not easy at all, and may sound suspiciously hypocritical, but this is the only way to "free oneself from anger and pain" (thanks MA, for putting my subconcious thoughts into concrete words). I regret that I had not truly forgiven my ex when he repeatedly asked for forgiveness and asked what he could do for me even one year after our break-up. I told him there's nothing he can do (for me) other than take good care of himself, be happy, and don't let me worry about him. But I suppose he could've felt much better if I didn't use the undertone that "Hey, I say this out of pride because I'm still hurt and I'm better than you."

Anyways, I thought I did a very good job eliminating him from my life before I turned 26, but I realized this wasn't a complete solution because, ocassionally (I don't like it even it is occasioanlly), the negative image of men came to my dreams to haunt me, and I'd wake up feeling hurt. So, for the last week of my 26th year, I came back to contemplate about this on the subject of forgiveness.

Results of my comtemplation: I certainly cannot be like a good Christian who is supposed to be able to forgive anything anytime. And I realized not forgiving is essential in leading me to forgiveness. Feelings come and go, and what I can do is to make bad feelings go faster, rather than preventing them from coming (which, I guess, is not really realistic?). I also realized this is a rather Buddhistic view, but I like it, and I endorse it, and I'd like to think I've overcome my unwillingness to forgive (I swear it's damn hard and doesn't happen very often to anyone, but it's good to at least do it once).

*I have also become "a perfect roommate" to my perfect roommate Mary Ann. And she always says if she became rich she'd hire me as her chef, so I'd never worry I will go out of work. ;) She made me my favorit cookies today (I ate at least 10 at once, they are tiny, but oh now I feel guilty!), and told me "You're the kindest, most thoughtful, straightforward, lighthearted person I know." I really loved hearing it (esp the word "lighthearted"), but would like to discount 50% of it by taking in account of her Southern-style sweetness, and another 50% for the fact that she's a very polite educated American and that she loves me.

*Oh, speaking of which, Mary Ann also helped me significantly in overcoming my negative image about myself when I was being 26, namely "fat" and "ugly". Of course I can't totally discredit my own efforts, but she has been the most encouraging person so far in my life, filling holes in my heart that my parents failed to notice. Now, before I reached 27, I was confident enough to wear bikinis, and asked a stranger to dance salsa with. I'm really grateful about all the changes. And it's not possible without the support of all my encouraging friends, plus Mary Ann. (I'm happy that I earned my confidence the hard way, so it's hard for it to go away too.)

Ah, this is "wordy and annoying". I should stop here. Last year this day I was working mid-night at my office, I was sick, and I didn't really celebrate. This year I went for a one-day adventure in Mexico with friends I care for, we went to the beach and the wineries, and we were (or at least me?) really happy. If I were to use a linear prediction method to forecast what my 27th year would be like, it should be just much higher than the 26th one on the index of happiness -- if I'm allowed to keep my hope, like I'd always like to.

My Sock Theory

I lost my favorite sock 2 weeks ago, and the survival rate of recovering it should be assymptotally approaching zero now.

Maybe, you'd say it's just a sock, why making a fuss about it?

But the sock I lost is exactly the one I brought back to China this Feb and asked my mom to mend.

Lesson: you always lose your favorite one sock, and it is usually smart enough to disappear on its own, making sure the other one left reminds you of it all the time.

Learned: (maybe...) don't pick a favorite sock?

Alright, back to work.

If I had time

There has been so much I wanted to write about recently but I don't have time!

If I had time, I'd write for my lonely friend who just lost everything in her life, tell her how I felt when I found out the things I cherished most were gone, how I started over again, and how fortunate it is, actually, for one to lose everything she has at one point, preferably in her twenties, so she'd learn to appreciate people and things in her new life, and learn to understand that we should not take anyone or anything for granted.

If I had time, I'd write for my dearest Z, who has, in the past year, experienced so many setbacks in her life. We were once so close now our lives are so different. I want to admit her all the big mistakes I had made because I didn't listen to her. I want to tell her all the big mistakes she had made because she didn't listen to me. Most importantly, I'd ask her to never ever give herself up. Be it bar exam, job search, abortion, money, in-laws, they may just all be.. a test from the Buddha. And, Z, is almost always so much tougher than me.

If I had time, I'd write about a single mother I met recently, and how brave she was to accept the banality of life, and to raise the kid all by herself. Too many success stories about single mothers are covered by media, now people think it's easy! No it's never easy, it takes constant time, energy, and affection; it repeats every day; it's almost mechanic; but it's also your baby. I want to learn from this girl's courage, I want to befriend the banality of life.

If I had time, I'd write for my best guy friend. I recently spent quite some time thinking about why the hell we are so good friends -- we have no commonalities at all. We are in fact extremely opposite to each other in almost every possible aspect in life. (This guy doesn't even recycle!) Yet, I found one thing that we share: although we do very different things, and we don't really have to physically present in each other's life, we are both able to play like a kid. I guess, that's very important.

If I had time, I'd write my recent thought on developed countries dumping e-wastes to China and other developing countries, and what a conscious decision I make each time I recycle used batteries here in California, knowing a large fraction of them will reappear in the villages of my country, pollutings all the rivers where I call home.

At last, if I had time, I'd want to write down my fears, so that they can fly away from me. There are some things that if you hide them, they will always be there. I'm working on this.

Pieces I picked from yoga classes

Raghavan:

"It's nice to have good, friendly relationships. Start with yourself."
"Learn to be patient."

My sister wrote.

"I'm sorry, but your bed is gone now," she wrote today. She explained that they didn't have any space to put the elliptical machine at home, so my bed had to go. I was totally fine with that. But it's interesting how my sister didn't tell me about this in the beginning when she emailed me about the new ellipitical machine. Then I asked for pictures. And she replied me back with a few and the news about the bed. She knew that I would have found out about it from the pictures even if she didn't say anything.

I joked about this while writing her back this morning: "Alright, I see... You guys don't want me back anymore. I'm cool with that." It meant to be a joke. But I remember, for years since I left home, my mom had always kept my room exactly the way it was before. She was proud of maintaining it that way. She kept it clean and vacant so whenever I was home again, both she and I could feel that nothing had ever changed.

Maybe nothing is for ever.

I'm really fine with it though. And it's good that sister has finally started to work out. It's just... I need to make some small adjustments when I do my mind-traveling now. I do mind-traveling to cities where I had resided when I feel like I need somewhere to belong to. I remember those alleys, trees, smells, streams, and they are all leading to those old dwelling places -- the same something I'd pass by each time when my mind is traveling through. The trips goes faster if I have my eyes closed. I feel assured when I'm certain where everything is. And the mind travels even faster. And so that I will find my way home. But now, before I open the door to my room, I need to remind myself, hey buddy.. it won't be the same anymore.

What happened to Scott?

What happened to Scott?

Ah, my battery is dying.

How dirty is LA?

I finally changed the air filter in my car today (I bought the filter, I don't know, at least several months ago? But it kept being ignored in the trunk). The old one I took out was *disgusting*... Literally, as I was pulling it out, dirt from its bottom was dropping like rain. Very dry, sand-like.

I was wondering at that moment when was the last time I changed the air filter, and I simply didn't recall. And I just kept trying to remember as I walked back from the hood to the trunk.

What's funny is that when I went to the trunk to put the tool kit back I found a recept that almost turned yellow, half buried under the carpet on the far side of the trunk, and it was by chance the exact receipt for the old air filter! Dated back to January 2005 though, meaning it had already been used there for about 2 years. Ew... I had been lazy.

And, nothing feels better than warm soap water to clean my hands after that. :)

On ladybugs

Even and odd numbers mean different things; I like those with seven dots, but the 28 dots ones they are evil.

Quotes from Le Petit Prince

"Wait a little, just under the star! Then if a child comes to you, if he laughs, if he has golden hair, if he doesn't answer your questions, you'll know who he is."

met the Mavens

Stopped by to meet 2 Mavens today.

The first one was having a flu and was slightly surprised to see me in front of his door. We greeted each other, and I said, "You'd guess that I come to you... because I have a problem." He smiled and said let's figure it out. I told him what's wrong, and he immediately diagnosed the problem and suggested me unlimit cputime. I'd never thought that was the problem because I firmly believed I fixed it las year. Apparently, the fix wans't grand enough. And the Maven is the Maven.

The second Maven. Every time I see him, I feel like I should salute. "Something in your paper is bothering me," said the Maven. And within a few minutes, he successfully turned that something bothering him into something bothering me. Guess the Maven is the Maven.

I started talking to the unix machine

Last night I fed it 2000 trees and went to bed. This morning, it gave me some feedback -- "the number of trees is probably not enough." So, I increased the trees to 10000 for the new run, and I asked, "Among the 10000 trees, which one do you like best, and when would you let me know?"

It didn't answer. But I knew it usually would take 2 days for the machine to have a careful and comprehensive examination for every tree.

As Claire once wittily commented on my complaint about how boring my work was: "Work is boring. What do you think we get paid for??"

Exactly.


Though I kind of like my friend Unix now.

Hemp Ale & J's bday

Today's J's 36th birthday, which means we as friends needed to make him feel full and happy, so we went to this seafood place for some happy hour fun.

According to our Russian friend -- As somebody said: “by the time you’re 35 you’re older than most buildings in LA.” I couldn't help laughing, and later told him: by the time one's fifteen, s/he is older than most buildings in China.

"You know what happens if we build more prisons? ... We make more laws. There are already too many fucking laws." (A retired probation officer responded when I asked for his take on the overcrowding problem in CA prisons)

"Are you friends for a long time?"
"Yeah. He was a probation officer. I was an inmate."
"Was that how you met?"
"Yeah. I got him in prison for 3 times."
"Seriously??"
"I really like this girl.. You are like my best straight man!"

"Your violence is back. That's good! I saw a real person... behind the wall of indifference." (On the way back I was playing with the Russian friend, pretending to punch him in the face.. And he said that. It actually looked funny. He's much bigger and there's no way he'll get intimated by me. But J has this "small-dog big-dog theory"...)

"Hah, so there is somebody does not know what is t & a."
"So is it a euphemism?"
"No, just a slightly less vulgar abbreviation."
"So, personally, when do you use this abbreviation?"

"I knew you were not here"

Last Friday, I tailgated all the way to work but was still five minutes late for the weekly meeting. (It sucks, I know. But maybe I was born to be late.) I had to call my boss's boss's assistant to get me in. She came to get me. We greeted each other. I apologized. She smiled and said, "xx asked if you were already here when I came out to get him, and I said, 'I don't think so.' I knew you were not here cause I didn't hear any laughs."

I was speechless... I thought I was quite serious at work..

But I love fungi.

Another yogi told me that we are not supposed to eat mushrooms according to the traditional rules of yoga. I don't know if this is true. But I do love fungus. When we live, we eat them; when we die, they eat us. This is fair game, and I like it, considering how rare fairness is usually. And, plus, they taste good...

"Please do not disturb if door is closed."

This is the sign I hung on my office door 2 weeks ago. Today I took it off and hung it up on the other side of the door, yes, the inside.

I was called "stupid" and a "stuck up jerk" today

my friends have been nice and polite to me recently...

one was because I didn't believe in taking pain killers and suffered from serious cramps for 7 straight hours; one was because (this is ridiculous, isn't it?!) that I was quoting Ayn Rand's "I can accept anything, except what seems to be the easiest for most people: the half-way, the almost, the just-about, the in-between."

but anyways, I am not affected. On the contrary, I'm very happy now! :D Well, for no reason, though...

When I was little I thought I'd live forever

When I was little I thought I'd live forever.

Then I knew about death, and I feared it a lot. The fear faded away as I was growing up and got engaged in more activities.

Then I went to college, and read Beauvoir. Her book Tous les hommes sont mortels made me realize being mortal is bliss. (Anyone who read the book should be amused to find that Green Mile borrowed her idea about how a man is cursed to live forever, alone, with a rat.)

Now I'm running out of time. They asked, for what? I said, everything. It's not that I'm still in my twenties so I shouldn't worry. Life is not about its length, after all. Need to organize my time better, then I'd be better at finding the meaning. Help me...

Conversation on the afternoon of 2007/03/11

A and T were walking to a pub on Main st. on this sunny Sunday afternoon. There were shades, breezes, and other pedestrians too.

T: Tell me some stories about you.
A: What kind of stories?
T: ...Stories about you being devious?
A: Oh...I have so many of them...

A: When I was little, I wanted to be a spy.
T: When I was little, I thought I could live forever.

A: You know what, I've never been to your office.
T: Really?? How come?
A: You never invited me..
T: Well you can invite yourself, you know, just stop by...
A: Well I don't want to be impolite...
T: Oh my god, that's exactly why they invented this phrase "stop by"!
A: Are you always enjoying being the smarty pants?
T: Well..That's my weakness.
A chuckles.

A: I don't have many friends.
T: Define many.
A: ...I can count all my friends with this hand...oh..well..maybe both hands.
T: Real friends?
A: Yeah.
T: That's good! You have no time to deal with more than that anyways.
A: How many friends do you have?
T: Um...I have a lot of acquaintances.
A smiles: You are a flirt!
T: No, I'm not.

A: Do you consider yourself liberal?
T: I'm a very liberal thinker, but I'm not sure if I'm a liberal doer.
A: Wouldn't that make you a hypocrite?
T: Not necessarily.

(A is sad about hurting other people.)
T: No. They are hurt. But you didn't hurt them. They just got hurt. It's really difficult to hurt someone. Never predicatable what hurts what doesn't.
...
T: And, if you don't want to get hurt, don't let them.
A: Huh, easier said than done.

...
A: Why?
T: I didn't love him.
A: ...That's fair.


When they were walking to the beach.

A: I consider you a friend. (But it was taken away by the breeze.)
T: What?
A: I consider you a friend.
T: I'm honored! But, (chuckles mischievously) does it mean you'll have to grow out one more finger for that?
A: Don't be mean...

To be continued.

"sometimes I want to stop them. but they are just cats"

Rock:
claire is still in.
let's stop talking like this
Tremble:
Ok
then tell me a story? :)
Rock:
well, there are two male cats yelling outside.
they fight everyday for the attention of three female cats, including their own daughters
Tremble:
haha
i don't understand the second part
Rock:
there is a mother cat, two father cats, and two daughter cats
Tremble:
ah
complicated
:)
you are a good observer
Rock:
two daughter cats have the same mother but they both look like their fathers
Tremble:
hmm...
then they dont' know?
or you don't know?
Rock:
I guess the father cats don't know they are their daughters. they just pursue the one that looks similar to himself...
Tremble:
really!!!
Rock:
black father loves black daughter, grey father loves grey daughter
Tremble:
what kind of love?
Rock:
lover
Tremble:
hmm
Rock:
sometimes I want to stop them. but they are just cats.
Tremble:
how are you gonna stop them?
Rock: just an intention
well, it is a bad story
Tremble: nope
this is like the best story I've had for a long time!!

when asked a question.

I'm often just too focused on answering a question to forget that maybe the questioner doesn't really want an answer -- they want me to ask the same question back. Still working on this.

A nerd indeed

Feb 4, 2007, LAX

I was patiently waiting for my plane to Shanghai, with music plugged into my ears and a book at hand. Over the top is one of those *great* motiviation books and YF asked me to buy it for her. I deliberately held the book in a certain way so that the title is not easily seen by other passengers. After all, I had to admit it's kind of embarrassing reading such a book for I had certainly outgrown that age of efficient absorption of fatherly goal-oriented prodding. But I had no other choice at the moment and people-wathcing had grown a little old.

Totally out of the blue, a much-travelled man in a leather coat showed up, asked if the seat besides me was taken, and sat down. The whole thing happened within a second, and I wondered how could a person speak so fast. I went back to read that embarrassing book, holding it closer to me, and it seemed that man was busy organizing his stuff. We didn't talk but at one point he asked me to write down the Chinese characters of the name and address of the hotel he was going to stay in Shanghai. Then we again went back to do our own things. He must have had a lot of alcohol I thought. I smelled it -- a hint of urban indulgence.

Then I discreetly put the book back and began to play with my new cell phone, which I was still getting used to. He suddenly asked, "can your cell work in China?" I told him I don't know but this time we started chatting.

I learned that he's teaching little Chinese kids English in a private school in Wenzhou and this time he was going back for another year's contract. We talked about different cities in China, comparing them to American cities. He thought Hainan was like Miami but I didn't quite agree. Then I got curious about why he's teaching in China so I said, "so what did you do before this?" He answered, "Oh, modelling."

Right at that moment, I think I got excited for 0.01 seconds, and by instinct wanted to ask further if he did "math modelling". Or maybe "econometric modelling"? And then I quickly realized, he meant FASHION modelling. Good that I didn't ask that silly question. He probably saw my confusion and went on explaining how he travelled through NY, LA, Tokyo, Milan, and Paris and how he fell in love with Asian culture in Japan, while I was totally knocked out by myself, thinking how nerdy my first reaction was and how "institutionalized" I had been after spending more than 2 years at my company.

After the flight, my cousin picked me up at the airport and we had dinner together. At the dinner, I told her about this modelling joke but seems she didn't get it. Instead, she was yelling at me, "I am NOT going to send my [imaginary] child to a RMB20,000/mo kindergarten just for English lessons taught by models!" (Well that's another story I learned on how expensive raising a kid in Shanghai can be, but it's not relevant here. We ridiculed about the exorbitant prices slightly though.)

Actually, I saw his face again when I was claiming my luggage when we arrived in the SH ariport. He was still waiting at the other end in a crowd. I walked away without saying good-bye. Maybe the "modelling" conversation had reminded me that was a different world.

Still an interesting encounter, no? This is not the most interesting one I've ever had though. That was at the Tokyo airport in 2003 and I got to hear about an old artist's life story and witness his innocent tears. What's more awesome is that he chose to sit down near me in the almost-empty hall and started the stories by himself. Why was I so lucky? Did my guardian angle know I'm always yearning for stories? That old gentleman, among others I met while we were all waiting for a plane to go somewhere, have been helping me build my view about the world and about life. In some way, I feel I can't grow completely without meeting and listening to them. I'll write stories about what I have seen and learned from those lovely people who I supposedly shouldn't encounter again. :)

I feel I'm a disaster saved by random good-hearted strangers

It is interesting how the system works, and just the system in general. I used the word "system", rather than "society", or "world", or "earth" because they are all too specific examples when chaos are invovled. A few years ago, I started to be convinced that not everthing happens logically since that'd be boring to death, and random events are very important -- so important that it's a pain they are actually random.

For instance, this morning, an absent-minded disaster (meaning me) put a full stack of 35 graduate students' homework on the top of her car, unloaded her other crap, and just started driving without remembering those papers she was holding on to a second ago and that they were meant for her to grade. Fortunately, she was honked and waved at by a stranger in a SUV passing her while she was making her first turn in the parking lot, and fortunately, she noticed that that guy was honking and waving at HER, and fortunately, she decided not to ignore this honk like what she did to all the other ones, she got the message -- "hey, there's something on top of your car!!" She was saved for the day.

I can't imagine how embarrased I would have been and how long the embarrassment would have lasted if that stranger didn't run into me today and if I lost all the papers. And it's not just about my own embarrassment, it'd also be those folks' time and labor forever lost. This is not the first time I was saved by randomness, and hopefully not the last. I wondered, after this, how strong the harmonizing and stablizing power this system has got, using random events in many smart ways. What's in turmoil under the mask of peace, and what can we see beneath chaos and noises? Now I'm a truly believer in serendipity -- it may not happen to me, but it will happen to somebody.

So much for today. :)

smell

That's yesterday morning. It was not the first time (well the second time) I walked down the empty long hallway but suddenly I felt the smell of that school building. There was nobody else around and it was exactly the same smell I breathed in three or four years ago inside some school buildings at UMCP. It was subtle that I couldn't tell where it came from..the paint? stuff they put in when making white paper? or a mixture of several things? But I was pretty certain that's the exactly same smell. Strangely, it brought my mood all the way back to that girl years go in Maryland where she's timid and shy and intimidated. I was timid and shy and intimidated that whole morning. Ah, creepy, if it's really true that smell controlled me..

A little research from Wikipedia...

"Olfaction, the sense of smell, is the detection of chemicals dissolved in air. The chemicals themselves, generally at very low concentrations, are called odors. ...As discovered by Linda B. Buck and Richard Axel (who were awarded the Nobel Prize in 2004), mammals have about a thousand genes for odor reception. Of these genes, only a portion are functional odor receptors. Humans have 347 functional odor receptor genes; the other genes have nonsense mutations....As of yet, there is no theory that explains human olfactory perception completely."

On being late

Once you are late for one thing, you are late for everything that day. And you thought you would be relatively early among those late people? Oh no, other late people just didn't show up . This is California, girl.

my roomie's comments (that I still remember and be amused by.)

"Don't be sweet to me. Sweet people make me nervous." --When I swore to her I would be sweet to her from that minute.

"Muffins are cupcakes in disguise!!!" -- After we bought 12 huge muffins from Costco (with remorse. )

"Well, if you like moldy bones, you two can probably hook up. " --When I told her how much I adored Oscar Wilde.

And, "this is only my HUMBLE opinion..." ;)

New Year's Resolution 2007

I'm happy that I had a fruitful 2006 in terms of personal growth, though my 2006 one wasn't quite successful. In this new year, I will (try to) do the following:

1. Learn free-style swimming. I'll go to the adult beginner swimming class this spring, and get myself prepared for surfing.
2. Learn to receive. A few friends complained about my never letting them help, and I had ignored their comments. This time I want to change.
3. Become an early bird and be more focused, so that I can get things done.
4. I want to go to Tibet in the fall.
5. I will always have a pillow book so I can also learn to know the world through others' eyes.

Extrinsic resolution:
MA wants me to change my habit of never taking no as an answer, at least when it's about her.
SY wants me to make a significant progress in my dissertation this year.

quotes from e.e.cummings "the voice of the poet"

6. a man who had fallen among thieves (1922)

...
i put him all into my arms
and staggered and banged with terror through
a million billion trillion stars

9. somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond (1931)

...
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

Tremble: a girlfriend attended a wedding where the groom read this poem aloud in front of all the guests. I exlaimed, "Oh, that'd be really romantic", while she was recounting the story. "Not exactly," She responded, "the guests were annoyed because no one understood it."

11. as freedom is a breakfastfood (1940)

...
or hopes dance best on bald men's hair
and every finger is a toe
and every courage is a fear
...
...
down shall go which and up come who
breasts will be breasts thighs will be thighs
deeds cannot dream what dreams can do
--time is a tree(this life one leaf)
but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

13. love is more thicker than forget (1940)

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent that to fail

...

15. my father moved through dooms of love (1940)

...
if every friend became his foe
he'd laugh and build a world with snow
...

20. pity this busy monster,manunkind, (1944)

... We doctors know

a hopeless case if--listen:there's a hell
of a good universe next door;let's go

21. ("first stop thief help muder save the world" (1944)


...

"have you" the mountain,while his maples wept
air to blood,asked "something a little child
who's just as small as me can do or be?"
god whispered him a snowflake "yes:you may
sleep now,my mountain" and this mountain slept

while his pines lifted their geen lives and smiled

25. Hello is what a mirror says (1944)

...

no sunbeam ever lies

...

26. nothing false and possible is love (1944)

...

must's a schoolroom in the month of may:
life's the deathboard where all now turns when
(love's a universe beyond obey
or command,reality or un-)

...

37. who were so dark of heart they might not speak, (1950)

...

...
nowhere to hear,never to beautiful:
a little innocence creates a day.

And something thought or done or wished without
a little innocnece,although it were
as red as terror and as green as fate,
greyly shall fail and dully disappear--

but the proud power of himself death immense
is not so as a little innocence


38. when faces called flowers float out of the ground

...

when every leaf opens without any sound
and wishing is having and having is giving--
but keeping is doting and nothing and nonsense
--alive;we're alive,dear:it's(kiss me now)spring!
now the pretty birds hover so she and so he
now the little fish quiver so you and so i
(now the mountains are dancing,the mountains)

...

39. now air is air and thing is thing:no bliss (1958)

41. because you take life in your stride(instead (1958)

...

because you aren't afraid to kiss the dirt
(and consequently dare to climb the sky)
because a mind no other mind should try
to fool has always failed to fool your heart

....

42. So shy shy shy(and with a (1958)

...

So gay gay gay and with a
wisdom not the wisest man
will partly understand(although

the wisest man am i)

...

Quotes from the Haroun book

"...but but but it may be that my heart truly needs a Different Sort of Thrill." -Butt

"No problem!"..."Any story worth its salt can handle a little shaking up! Va-voom!" - Butt

"Dark, my sirs, has its fascinations: mystery, strangeness, romance..." -Iff

"Who knows? Maybe so and maybe no..." -Iff

"Rise and shine," -Blabbermouth

that silence has its own grace and beauty...that creatures of darkness could be as lovely as the children of the light.

I think somehow dirty and happy are related

I do blue-collar work, like vacuuming, car-cleaning, bathroom cleaning when I feel down. Then my clothes get dirty and I feel happy again. Hey, roommate, I will wash your car too, just wait till I'm upset again.

What does it mean to be an adult?

I didn't want to write this because I thought this was obvious and no one enjoys repeating common sense. It's like those kinds of happy movies. They are very simple and totally predictable, and they never make me happy -- instead, I feel I wasted my time and money.

Anyways, I started writing this because of recent conversations with my two friends.

The first one is someone in our community did something wrong, and I suggested that we teach him a lesson by letting him know this shouldn't be allowed and should never happen again. But my friends said that someone was an adult and didn't need us to "teach him a lesson". The other one is my friend was complaining about her teammate didn't contribute to their project work and she said if he continued to be unhelpful then she wouldn't put his name on the paper in the end. I told her if she was going to do that she better tell him in advance, and don't wait till the last minute. And she responded like, "He is an adult. He should know it will end up like that if he does nothing. I don't have the obligation to tell him."

Both of them view adulthood sort of as a magic milestone from where individuals are truly independent, self-sufficient, and free from criticism and (friendly) warnings. That does not hold for everyone. I'd think the difference is when you are a kid and you do something wrong you don't have to be responsible under most circumstances, while if you are an adult you are going to be responsible (if you get caught). The underlying cut-off line is whether you are fully competent in understanding your own behavior and its consequences. But it does not imply anywhere that it is also a stopping point for an individual to learn more about social conduct and alike. Plus, competence varies by individuals too. Some people might need more help. Like human societies are built upon interdependent relationships, we simple cannot just let people do whatever they like simply because they are older than 18. One example is crime prevention is way more important than crime response in the real world. I made a harsh metaphor here and I agree that adults should know better but how many people out there act as they should? And what is the point of having a society if we are isolated islands?

Well so much for today. To me, learning is a life-long process.

lots lots of prepositions

I'm especially bad at using the right prepositions while at the same time the US population is using more and more of them. They are not only used everywhere but more often in pairs. "You are welcome to sit in on my class" rather than "sit in my class"; "Ha, you didn't pick up on that" instead of "you didn't pick it up"; and,... my roommate gave me this funny one:"Don't get on up in my face!" Heh. It's a trio. There are many more examples like those. Why do people do this though? I don't understand...

ugly girls need to study harder.

When I was a teen, there's once my dad looked at me, sighed, and said, "My girl is not good-looking. You need to study very hard then." Now I've grown up, and there's once I complained to my friend that only ugly boys asked me out, and he laughed and said, "Ugly boys need to try harder." :) Let me make a sentence like that: "Ugly girls need to study harder." Yes, Dad, I've always been trying to study harder than I do. It is sometimes difficult though.

Last Saturday, I saw "A Good Women" with a friend. It was adapted from a play of Oscar Wilde. There's a quote from the movie we both much liked -- "Crying is the refuge of plain women. Pretty women go shopping." I want to also make a similar sentence: "Long hair is a prop of plain women. Pretty women cut theirs short." :) This is dedicated to my girl friend who cut her hair just below the ear recently.

Balloon certain time molecules and make happiness.

I enjoy the tacitness between Claire and me.

You know, writers usually die early. And they give out Nobel Prizes to those who are still alive.

chocolate-covered-coffee-bean style critique

John Pomfret
which was both thought-provoking and critique-inducing.

four bets he was talking about today:
development above all?
income gap
environmental problems
collapse of belief system - from the era of morons to the money-driven society


I was surprised by his profound knowledge of the contemporary China as a foreigner and inspired by the metaphers of "bets" he used in talking about the future of China. But I certaintly do not agree on the "total collapse of the belief system", to me it is rather in the process of redefinition/blending. And what is the use of a belief system per se?
Also I found him to be a little pessimistic, and he sort of deviates from at least having a deeper look at the temperament of the Chinese citizens. If I were to have a choice right now to either bet on the government or on the people, I'd definitely choose the latter. Not just China, the trend of "people not trusting their government" is prevalent in other parts of the world including America. The government may be very soon malfunctioning, and our people could be as blind (or even more so) as any other peoples. Chinese people somehow are unusually tolerant, adaptive, and entrepreneurial (when it is necessary). We are less happy because we burden We are usually much closer to the sense of "we have nothing to lose" than many other peoples. When there are market failures, people strive to make new markets. I admit this is a excruciating growing pain for us Chinese right now and it may last long but they are the prices we pay to rebuild our nation. Also he ignores that the government is getting more repsonsive to public feedback on government performance (cancelation of the plan for the Nu River Dam, posecution of several corrupted officials?). Also I want to explore more about how the potential redefinition of immobile property rights in the Constitution will impact the environmental issues and a healthier economic development path.
Forgot to also mention the impact of legal reforms. There are so many aspects about the new China that John didn't see.
And also I have new ideas about informed decision-making at the government level so that decisions are made not out of balances of state and provincial political powers but scientific observations and estimations. This is not to say the latter would necessarily result in a better situation since nature is also a big player here but it is certainly a convergence to how most up-to-date decisions are made in private businesses, which
I'm actually a little worried about the imprecision side of the Chinese temperament, but the biggest pitfall is not the ideal pursuit of hamonies withotu calculations but rather the somewhat failing education system, which I believe serves as the root for any positive changes and growths in any society. so what's the problem? brain drain? confusions of the teachers themselves? Scarcity of children comes along with spoiling and lack of considerateness and sympathy. hate from the poor? access to higher education? structure failures? forgot how to be a real scholar?
Sigh, talking all these I found many are stil going back to the belief systerm. But I sincerely don't think any single religion can solve the prolem sicne they can also be used to error on the moron side. It is all our own doing.
It may more be a defect of our temperament than out government.
Sigh, I don't have a point anymore. So, stop here.

well before best before

Everything that is good will go well before "best before". And I realized it doesn't just apply to snacks.

Remembered something happened in November 1999. Obviously I thought my pride was very important at that time. I wished Happy Birthday to him but he himself didn't remember the date (though it was according to the lunar calendar) and asked me if I was sure. I was so hurt that I refused to talk to him anymore though he found out and apologized immediately after. Was I crazy? Too proud, too shy, or too deeply in love?

I don't like her and I don't dislike her. She is on my list of irrelevance.

Movie Review of "The Triplets of Belleville"

So I watched the Triplets of Belleville, thinking it is funny and hoping it can cheer me up. However, it turned out to be a total scary movie to me, by interweaving wild imagination and reality checks together. Ironically, real scary movies do not really scare me, with all those bloody scenes I cannot say that the music is not delightful, or the image is not cute, or

the grandma she devoted all herself to make her grandson happy.

the wordless grandson: he is the guy who scares me most. He doesn't smile, doesn't talk, and doesn't seem to think or just wink. Plus, he doesn't do anything besides biking. When he gets locked up by the Mafia, he isn't horrified, and when he is freed, he doesn't seem to be happy. To me, he is the most soulless thing in the movie. He is a poor kid with no parents, but he is also fortunately enough to have a miraclous grandma who does everything to train and protect him.

What it implies: the power of women and the cruelty of life.

A movie full of implied feminism. In the beginning, the three huge women get out of the car. Two squeeze their husband out like an accessory and one had hers stuck in her butt.

The reality:
(1) time lapses, grandma grows older and older and grandson becomes a middle-aged mediocre from a little boy.

(2) the grandson is not a top racer despite all the training.

(3)

I'm a 26-year-old coward.

Some music needs to be listened with a headset because it is so subtle.

I somehow couldn't help thinking life is somewhat fated. And there are so many things beyond my reach. Maybe the best I can do is just let go and accept what is coming to me? But it doesn't quite work in my yoga class. There are always some "borderline" poses that if I say to myself "I couldn't", I couldn't, and if I say "maybe", I did it sometimes. However, human subjects are more capricious than yoga poses. I don't know if I should just follow Betty's logic and be realistic. She is a lawyer and I was supposed to be one. Oh, life is so sad.

After all the things I have tried and done, I still feel myself a coward.

It is your own growing pain so I can't help.

I was stalked by a crazy stranger today back from the market. He is black, probably mentally ill and was riding a bike. He was following me all the way to RAND, keeping asking me to marry him and if I liked killers. Well, he was crazy so I thought the best response was no response and continue walking. Otherwise, I would really have shouted him and pour all my work stress on him and called the police (if only I had brought my cell phone with me alas!). I was really scared at that time. Though it was only verbal harrassment, it also brought back many other unpleasant memories. But I was fortunate that it was only verbal, I didn't really want to fight in my nice linen. Two hours later I finished one pound of cherries, and thinking, maybe large quantities of sweet fresh cherris could help calm disturbed nerves?

Who should I believe? Time cures, and time kills.

The hard way is the best way -- life learning process.

You did something bad to me and justified it by saying "you asked for it". Ok, even if it were true that I had explicitly asked for it, why wouldn't you also have given the good things I asked for?

We were just too young and too impatient and too pre-determined back then. We didn't know that things we thought that were totally hopeless could be cured by time. We made mistakes, big ones. When we grew older and looked back we'd gasp at the irreversibility of life.
Every decision we made is a one-way ticket. Sometimes we have to go farther into it before we realize we took the wrong train.

No effort is ever wasted, as long as you don't focus on the original calibration.

I biked up north towards where the wind blew this afternoon on Santa Monica beach. The humid ocean breeze reminded me of home. When I biked back, the wind was no longer against me but rather with me. Maybe it all depended on me after all.

sometimes I forget we are also animals

That said it all. It suddenly occured to me when I was driving towards home one afternoon, after a long day of work and study. Everything in my life is just routine. I study, cook, eat, and sleep, and above all I try to focus on work, doing analyses that are seemingly intelligent and beyond basic activities of this vulgar world. This is part of the punishment I gave to myself. Yes, this silly, sappy girl decided not to have a heart. She started to go abstinent and to refuse emotional attachements and interdependencies. And she succeeded for almost 2 years. But, is that right? Is she then terribly imcomplete? Why do I fear the animal part of myself, which is also the very true reflection of oneself? That thought makes me wonder more about me and others and our somewhat drastically different behavior..

My day started with a philosophical debate with myself

My best friend called me up at 5:22Am, thinking it was around 9 my time. I begged her to just spare me and she did. I put the phone down, closed my eyes again and then several strange dreams came. One scenario: I was walking with someone I know on a street, in China. There was a big construction site and we were walking just beside the dig and among the cars. Air was bad. And it seemed to be quite dangerous. The strange thing was that I didn't seem to care.

Another one: still in China. My professor aunt and I was talking to a big fat middle-aged administrator at some kind of research institute. The guy was typically snobbish. Then a lower-class blue collar showed up, saying he's been waiting for a long time and they are gonna have dumplings. And then they just disappeared.

I woke up, with the sleepiness as if I got up at 5:22AM, and thinking why my nostalgia was suddenly boosted up by the 2 dreams. They showed the part of China I resented most (pollution, hierarchy etc), and yet, I never felt I missed my country this much. I remembered the typhoon that was coming when I left the island. That day I only cared about whether I could catch the flight and be back to the US. A friend asked about the severity of the typhoon when I was back and I couldn't give him an answer. I felt bad. Afterwards, I did some web search, and found that the typhoon was the most serious for the past several decades. It destroyed the hope of almost all the farmers on the island this year. No crops were left. Houses collapsed too. And I didn't know and I didn't care to know. What a selfish person I was. What is the meaning of life if I'm the only one I care about?

And the debate went on like this: Ok, if I were the only one I cared about and everybody cared only about themselves, what would be the difference between living in the Matrix and living in real world? Why still people would fight when they found out they were living in their own imagined world in their own tiny cell? Why have there already been 9 revolutions in Animatrix and more are yet to come? Oh, yeah, Matrix can program my cognition/brain so that I catch every flight and manage whatever I desire. But if it's only happening in the Matrix, it means nothing. Therefore, people must care, and they should, when life is still under our control, not the robots.

And also, I was thinking, if I could split myself into halves, I would send one to the island to be with my family, and one here, to pursue my own happiness. If only I could do so.

San Vicente

They are trimming the big trees on San Vicente these days. I love San Vicente. Almost always quiet. Good neighborhood, huge trees with red blossoms, and runners here and there. Traffic lights only on 26th and 7th.

My sister

My sister is a person very hard to predict. 4Am her time, her MSN window popped out with a big smiling face. She said she suddenly woke up and couldn't sleep. But just before I was able to say anything meaningful, she was gone again. She said she will go back and lie down and try to fall asleep. I'm left wondering why she even bothered to get up and go to the Internet at all. Expecting someone online? Probably not me...

Friendship

The most dangerous kind of frienship is one without strategy.
When we start to hurt each other due to no tact, everything is too late.

Do you need it?

I want something that I don't need.
I always want something that I don't need.
Bad.
How to tell some from others?

Dec 6, 2004

Get gas,
Get going!

在你最疑惑的地方，右转。

Pleasing activities

I have a habit to please others, even if I have to do something I don't like. This behavior began when I was a teenager and wanted to make my parents happy. Then the consumer group enlarged. First friends around me, then all the people I like and then everyone who by chance have to live in the same space with me. I thought I'd be happy because the surroundings are in peace and happiness too, but lately I found it's very dangerous to please someone I really like. There must be one day that he or she cry out with tears:"You are a good liar!"

In a way, it is true, because I chose to hide my unpleasant feelings and act in a certain way to make them happy. It can't last long. And for the people I really like, we need to be more candid and have more communications since it's a mutual thing.

Today's lesson: Never please anyone I really like. The fact that I'm liking them is enough for a sweet day. If I really have to please someone for practical reasons, that is another case, and that's probably what I wouldn't do.

End.

I never had a dream come true

Now I no longer have a dream...
Does that mean I have grown up?
Why is it so sad to be a responsible adult?

A horrible dream

Last night, I dreamed of my dad. He said to me: "I don't want to live anymore." and then jumped off the window without me even having time to react. When I saw his back and white shirt floating in the air, I was so desperate and began to scream "No!!!!!!!!!!!". Strangely, no voice came out of my mouth and I just watched him fall. I couldn't exactly describe how I felt at that moment but it hurt a lot! The only thing I could think was that how could he do this to me, at least he should've given me some last words. So, that's it? that's so much for his life?

Immediately after that, I woke up. It was a cold day, and my wardrobe loosened, but still I felt as if my whole body was experiencing a fever, at least for a few minutes. Then I thought about the dream again. Why so much agony when I saw my dad quit his life? Why life is so cherishable? Why there are so many moments in life I feel desperately hopeless and don't want to live on, but somehow at critical points, life is the last thing I would give up? I still cannot answer these questions. Life is still on.

Bits and Pieces

It's hard to be a healthy poor, more so in the US.

Why I started a blog?

I thought for quite a while for a reason, and today I suddenly grabbed something slipping through my mind: my heart would rather stop beating than being alone. That's the reason.

Oct 12, 2004

Open date.