I never had a dream come true

Now I no longer have a dream...
Does that mean I have grown up?
Why is it so sad to be a responsible adult?

A horrible dream

Last night, I dreamed of my dad. He said to me: "I don't want to live anymore." and then jumped off the window without me even having time to react. When I saw his back and white shirt floating in the air, I was so desperate and began to scream "No!!!!!!!!!!!". Strangely, no voice came out of my mouth and I just watched him fall. I couldn't exactly describe how I felt at that moment but it hurt a lot! The only thing I could think was that how could he do this to me, at least he should've given me some last words. So, that's it? that's so much for his life?

Immediately after that, I woke up. It was a cold day, and my wardrobe loosened, but still I felt as if my whole body was experiencing a fever, at least for a few minutes. Then I thought about the dream again. Why so much agony when I saw my dad quit his life? Why life is so cherishable? Why there are so many moments in life I feel desperately hopeless and don't want to live on, but somehow at critical points, life is the last thing I would give up? I still cannot answer these questions. Life is still on.

Bits and Pieces

It's hard to be a healthy poor, more so in the US.

Why I started a blog?

I thought for quite a while for a reason, and today I suddenly grabbed something slipping through my mind: my heart would rather stop beating than being alone. That's the reason.

Oct 12, 2004

Open date.